The Day After

No political commentary today.

If you are interested in politics or world affairs, you probably watched last night’s first presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. If you are a supporter of ether candidate, you probably need something to brighten your day.

If you don’t care about politics, and weren’t among the record television audience for the debate, you too could probably use something light to get this day underway.

Back when I was a morning radio host I used to tell a couple of jokes each morning. You could set your watch by it, 6:45 and 7:45 a.m.

Each of us has a unique sense of humour. Mine perhaps more unique than most. If I try to be funny on my own I usually fail. So to be on the safe side I got some help. The World Wide Web was in its infancy, but there were some joke sites and I subscribed to some daily joke email lists to get material. Most days nothing struck my fancy. So if anything made me chuckle I would save it for future use.

Some of those jokes are still sitting in my inbox. The newest ones are from early in 2004. Today seems like a good day to use a few of them. If you don’t chuckle at these because really I am the only one who finds them funny, at least you can be thankful I’m not writing about Clinton and Trump.

 

Question: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Answer: Banana.

 

Question: Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Answer: Where you left it.

 

A college dean was berating a veteran economics professor for having used the same tests for the past 35 years.

“Don’t you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that all of your students know EXACTLY what’s on the test before they sit for it?”

“Doesn’t matter,” replied the professor. “You must realize that the subject is economics. The answers are different each year!”

 

Patrick O’Reilly was lucky. Since the day he had found that four leaf clover, everything good seemed to come his way. He had met the wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. And now, a year later, he was the proud father of beautiful twins, a boy and a girl.

At work, the story was the same. He had been promoted and had received a substantial raise, and now the firm had come up with a profit sharing plan.

Patty was certain his good fortune was due to his 4-leaf clover. Everywhere he went, he was certain to be carrying the talisman in his suit pocket.

One morning, Patty could not find the clover. He searched the house, but it was not there. In panic, he tried to recall when he had last seen it.  He finally recalled it was in his gray suit that he had dropped off at the dry cleaners.

He rushed to the cleaners only to find that the work had been completed and his suit was ready to be picked up. He searched the suit and found the 4-leaf clover, still in one piece but now flattened from the dry cleaning.

From that day on, Patty’s fortunes changed. Life was good but was no longer perfect. The little inconveniences were always there. He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting. The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over for dinner.

No, Patty’s life had changed. He still carried the amulet, but he was certainly not living under the silver lining he was used to and had come to expect. Finally, he had had enough. He visited the parish priest to see if he could help him understand what had happened.

“This certainly was to be expected,” he was told. “You should have known … One should never press one’s luck.”

 

And I can’t resist it, one political joke from 2004. I thought about updating this and changing the names to Clinton and Trump, but I couldn’t decide which was Bush and which was Kerry.

 

There’s a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.

Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy–Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, “I’m not a Bush fan.”

The teacher says, “Why aren’t you a Bush fan?”

Johnny says, “I’m a John F. Kerry fan.”  The teacher asks why he’s a Kerry fan. The boy says, “Well, my mom’s a Kerry fan, and my Dad’s a Kerry fan, so I’m a Kerry fan!”

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, “What if your Mom was a moron, and you’re dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”

Johnny says, “That would make me a Bush fan.”

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