Lighten Up A Little!

Tempting as it is, there will be no post-election analysis today. Half of Canada is celebrating, the other half thinks the country is on a fast track to hell. I will be weighing in on the election results, but today is not the right time.

Canadians need a good laugh this morning. So does the rest of the planet. Humour helps us retain our sanity in a frequently insane world.

That is why each morning as I open my newspaper I look first at the sports section and the comic strips. The serious stuff can wait, I want to ease into my day.

That was also my philosophy when I was a morning radio host. People needed a little levity to counter whatever was in the morning news. So I told jokes, twice a morning, 6:45 and 7:45 a.m. My sense of humour, to put it politely, is an acquired taste. One that most people don’t want to acquire. I, of course, think I am hilarious.

Coming up with two jokes a day isn’t as easy as it sounds. Most so-called jokes aren’t funny, or at least not funny to me. And anything told to a large radio audience is bound to offend someone – though I tried my best to be inoffensive. The station manager wasn’t big fan of complaints. To make my life easier I used a couple of joke services. You pay a fee and the jokes show up in your email. That helped a lot.

When I switched shifts I stopped telling jokes on-air. For some reason I saw that as a morning thing to do, not suitable for a different time of day. So I cancelled the joke subscriptions.

There were a few jokes I never got around to using. They have been sitting in my email since 1999, waiting for today. You may or may not have heard these before, they are all old after all, but I hope they bring a smile to your face nonetheless. Remember as well. It was only an election. Worse things have happened.

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school.
There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they’d shared and where he had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don’t know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it’s fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says, “We’ve got to give it back.” She says, “Finders keepers.” And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
She says, “No.”
The husband says, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
She says, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, “Tell us the story from the beginning.” The old man says, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…”
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, “We’re outta here…”

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
“Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained. “He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening.”

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11’3″.
They got out and measured their rig, which was 12’4″.
“What do you think?” one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first.
“Not a cop in sight. Let’s take a chance!”

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punch, 20-minute speech.
When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.
“What’s the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?” he demanded.
“Half the audience walked out before I finished.” Jenkins was baffled.
“I wrote you a 20-minute speech,” he replied. “I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for.”

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3 comments

  1. ahahahahahhaha those are great!!! omg you definitely have a great sense of humor! Coming up with two jokes a day like that is really really tough! These were all really awesome- but the second one is my favorite!!

    1. Usually it is the male who just acts like he is listening.

      1. haha I don’t know – I think the bad listener is my role in relationships!

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