I was looking at flights for a business trip this fall, and dreading the process. None of the options allowed me to avoid Toronto’s Pearson Airport, which in recent months has been the worst in the world (Yay Canada, we’re number one!) when this list came to mind. You can tell it is an old one, no-one works with pen and paper anymore – but it still holds true. I didn’t book the ticket – maybe I won’t go.

Murphy’s Laws For Frequent Flyers

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and

need the delay to make the flight.

2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the

farthest gate within the terminal.

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be

delayed.

4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence

as soon as you touch pen to paper.

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has

the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the

boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to

go to the lavatory.

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you. (That seems like a sexist remark – and not true when I travel with my wife. Though these days many airlines try and get couples to pay extra to sit together.)

10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the

more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.