I thought yesterday’s post might be a bit depressing, so I wanted something lighter for today. In my ongoing purging of junque from my basement I came across this yesterday afternoon. No idea who wrote it, but it has been floating around the Internet for decades, maybe as long as there has been an internet.
To say I downloaded it a long time ago is an understatement: the printout page says I used Netscape Navigator as my browser. Most computer users have never heard of that particular piece of software (or “app” as these things seem to be called now). The theology is questionable, but the take on our society is pretty accurate. I thought it was funny enough to print and save in 1998 – I hope you enjoy it today.
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.
Then God said, “Let there be light!”
Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time. God agreed and offered to call the light “Day” and the darkness “Night”. The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, “Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit.”
The Environmental Protection Agency agreed, so long as only native seed was used.
Then God said, “Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth.”
The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days. The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before…
At this point God created Hell.